I’ve been afraid of many things. Many of them I have worked myself through. Some fears I am still working on. To be free, is to be vulnerable. These words have been a mantra playing in the background of my thoughts, reassuring me when I make decisions to help myself. It has allowed me to share my feelings with a level head. This mantra has allowed me to be happy. It’s a silly idea to have to give yourself permission to be happy, but it’s true. I share this with the hope that someone will relate, that they will see an opportunity to help themselves and take it.
Then again, I don’t know anything. As much as I like to share my opinions and have the habit of acting like I know what I’m doing, I have to check myself. My opinions are simply that, opinions. My future is as solid as it is malleable. Adaptable. What I believe can be and should be questioned; what is the point of faith if it can’t be? I’m not religious by any means, but I do believe in myself and the ones I love. I’m proud of the fact that it is a short list. I love them all the more for it. I’m not lonely when the world is embracing me and I it.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson said quite nicely that we are made up the same elements, the most important being oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, and nitrogen. All of these elements are present in you as they are present in everything else in the universe. In a way, we are all special because we are all the same thing, we are all a different face to the same creating force.
Of course, love and life show themselves in different degrees. I love conversations with strangers. I love the fact that we all come from different backgrounds and can talk with a mutual respect and patience for our varied thoughts. I love how we can connect through our vigour for life, another face of the life force. I never thought I’d find myself saying anything like this. I dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression. I didn’t really help myself by drinking all the time. I won’t apologize for my need to escape, but I will for how I went about it. I’m glad I’ve reconnected with writing and found photography; they’ve been my outlets. Now that I’m on the move again. I have to hold onto these outlets all the more. Losing myself is easy, especially when I know better. I’m thankful to my Aus fam, it’s been an amazing, eye-opening experience, a rehab for the soul. I don’t think they’ll ever really understand what feeding chickens and pulling weeds did for my sanity. I still don’t know the extent of such a change, but I feel alive. I have never felt this way. I have never felt so free in my body, so free in my thoughts and emotions. I don’t cringe when I feel–feel anything! I only knew two emotions growing up: anxiety and anger. Hard to have a happy memory or live in the moment, because I was too attached to the past. I was too afraid of losing a good memory or having it taken away that I was busy looking over my shoulder rather than enjoying what was in front of me. I was the only one sabotaging my happiness and that’s a big part of freedom and happiness, accountability. I don’t think you can take charge of your life and accept change while living in denial and blaming everyone else. Excuses, they’ll be the death of you if you let them.
The universe gives you signs daily and most of the time, we’re so caught up in ourselves, in our problems and routine to see them, to do anything about them. I am fortunate enough to have the space to chisel away at the woodwork that is my life. Chipping away until I’ve found the heart and soul of my existence. I’m happy knowing I can put a finger on it say, that’s mine and I’m never losing it. My happiness is mine. I will share it with those who would share theirs, but I will never compromise my happiness and those who love me will never ask me to. My happiness includes them, my happiness is made greater by helping others. My happiness is your laugh.
I’m a proud little speck of dust.